so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You are a genius and a whore.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
