You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
