shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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