I hate your face
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
