Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
