I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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