she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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