How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
