My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize