Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
