Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
