i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
