Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
