My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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