did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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