After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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