Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What drink are we having for lunch?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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