OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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