his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
