so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
