I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
