the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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