I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
