Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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