I accidentally had phone sex last night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
