forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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