he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
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