He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
