Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
