Your dad touched me again.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
