Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
