I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Randomize
