Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
