mondays should just be called national damage control day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
