mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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