1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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