the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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