I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
