mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
