Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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