i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
