you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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