so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The air was thick with penises
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
