just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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