It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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