70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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