I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize