True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
