so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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