her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
