i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
