The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize