Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
