I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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