nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she smelled like a LAN party
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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