Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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