Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
