If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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